Is the battle yet to come
by luacuof
Summary: ...or has it been fought and lost? - Just Theon Greyjoy's life and deeds. Title is a quotation from him, ADwD *beta reading by voodoo drum*
1. Chapter 1

_For I must die for what I've done  
>A twist of fate, a desert sun<br>For I see what I destroy..._

_I can see what I've begun._

_..._

(Vienna Teng_, My Medea__)_


	2. Chapter 2

"_I still remember the world from the eyes of a child  
>Slowly those feelings where clouded by what I know now..."<br>(_Evanescence_, Fields of innocence)  
><em>

In the very moment he jumped, Theon realized with horror that the impact was inevitably coming.  
>None of it was poor Nan's fault.: she was peacefully going up the narrow winding stairs when she saw that possessed boy flying right into her. They tumbled down together to the landing, which was luckily only a few steps lower. Theon, as far as he was concerned, had the only fault of going down the stair jumping the steps three by three, as he usually did. The stairs were the true guilty: as they rolled up, they didn't allow to see who was coming from above or below – a fact which, for a more responsible child, may have been a good reason not to wildly jump around, but not for Theon Greyjoy.<br>When Nan screamed, Jory Cassel immediately rushed there. As he saw the lord's ward getting up on his feet, rubbing his elbow with a guilty look, he almost let out a curse that would have made the both of them turn pale. "What's going on here?" he screamed toward Theon. The boy tried to articulate an explanation that didn't involve his reckless behavior, but he only gained a sonorous slap which persuaded him to shut up. After he had helped the old lady, still in a daze, and left her with two guards, Jory grabbed Theon by one arm and dragged him right in front of lord Eddard.  
>"What happened?" he asked when he found them before his eyes. He was sitting in the hall with Robb and Jon on his knees.<br>"Little Greyjoy here crushed old Nan on the stairs, my lord" the Captain of the guards replied. Robb's face got amused, and the boy sought for Theon's eyes (who made it sure not to return the look); Jon got very interested. Eddard kept impassible. "And how's Nan?" he asked.  
>"Fortunately, she didn't suffer any serious injuries, my lord. I had two guards accompany her to Maester Luwin to medicate some grazes. She was very frightened, my lord".<br>"I see. What about you, Theon, are you hurt?"  
>"No, lord Eddard." Theon answered, timorously. "A little" he added.<br>"A little." lord Eddard repeated. Theon immediately understood things were not going to end well for him. "Theon, do you know it is dangerous to run by the stairs?"  
>"Yes, my lord"<br>"And which is the reason why you were doing that?"  
>"I... for fun, my lord".<br>In the meanwhile, both Eddard's son were following the crosstalk as if it was a fencing match.  
>"Nan is very old. You could have hurt her badly, or even caused her death. Do you understand?"<br>"I do, my lord".  
>"Than I'll expect you to understand the reason of your punishment too. Jory" he concluded with a nod to the Captain, without any emotion. Theon instinctively embed his head in his shoulders, well aware of what was coming.<p>

"Did he hurt you?" Robb asked him that night, when they were getting ready for sleep. Theon's bottom was aching so terribly he could barely sit.  
>"Not much". It wasn't totally a lie. "My brother hurt me much more, and I never risked to kill our wet nurse."<br>"You don't like you brother" Robb observed.  
>"My brother's dead" Theon answered sharply.<br>"Oh".  
>"Both my brothers are dead" Theon went on. He couldn't tell why he was doing that. Why he was telling that kid things he almost couldn't think about. "They died fighting against your father and the king".<br>"Oh" Robb repeated, very impressed, short of other comments.  
>"Anyway, no, I didn't like them" Theon finally said after a brief silence, and he felt guilty and relieved at the same time.<br>Robb had just nothing to say, ad he was bailed out by Jon's arrival.  
>"Why won't you go back to your own room to sleep, once in a while?" he said to Theon as soon as he got in.<br>"Lord Eddard said I can sleep wherever I wish, and if you can do it I can too!" Theon flared up. He couldn't bear how that little punk always managed to make him uncomfortable.  
>"I'm his son, who are you?"<br>"I want to sleep with the both of you!" Robb tried to insert, but remained unheard.  
>"I'm the heir to the Iron Islands!"<br>"You're only a hostage!"  
>"And you are only a bastard!"<br>As luck would have it, just when they were coming to blows, Lady Catelyn, who had heard the noise, entered the room.  
>"You two stop!" she shouted. The two stopped right away.<br>"Theon called me a bastard!" Jon yelled.  
>"And he called me a... a hostage!" Theon echoed him. Robb was speechless.<br>Lady Catelyn took a deep breath.  
>"Jon, you <em>are<em> a bastard, since you are a son of my lord husband born out of wedlock, as you know. It is not good of Theon to use such word as an insult. " Jon bite his lip, forcing himself not to answer. "As for you, Theon. You should feel ashamed to brawl this way with younger children. I won't refer anything to lord Eddard only because you have troubled him enough for today. You are a ward and a hostage of lord Eddard, and this isn't an insult either. The meaning of it had been explained to you." Theon's face had reddened visibly.  
>"It is time for you to learn how to get along. You don't behave in a way that is worthy of House Stark, and you are requested to, even though none of you belongs to it. Now go to sleep."<br>They crawled to bed without one more word, each lost in his thoughts.

It was only after a few days spent mulling that Theon harked back to the matter with Maester Luwin. "Am I a ward and a hostage of lord Stark?" he asked the old Maester while they were studying together.  
>"You are his ward and also his hostage, yes... why are you asking, Theon? Is something bothering you?"<br>Theon didn't precisely know what was bothering him.  
>"Lord Eddard likes Jon more than me" he said in one go, and he felt very stupid right after.<br>"The lord has got different... duties towards you and Jon. Don't forget he is his father"._  
>I'm his son, who are you?<em>, Theon thought back. Those words buzzed uninterruptedly in his head. _Who am I?_  
>"And which duties has he got towards me?"<br>"Well, he will make you grow up with his children, giving you everything you need, treating you in a way that befits your rank". These words got Theon down, without a clear reason. Maester Luwin understood. He caressed the kid's head. "Theon... you're still a child, but soon you'll have to deal with these matters. Lord Eddard is a man of great value, loved by his men, and he will be the best lord you can wish to serve. But you shall not expect else from him. Don't grieve for this, Theon. It is his duty, for the sake of both, to keep the due detachment. Remember the reason why you're here".  
>And Theon remembered many things. He remembered the siege of his father's castle, he remembered his mother crying while she was saying goodbye to him, he remembered that his brothers were dead. He remembered someone else as well, maybe it was his uncle Victarion or maybe someone else, angrily telling his father "<em>if we make one false step he will take Theon's head, you know he will<em>".  
>The truth in the placid words of the Maester hit him like a shower of icy water. Suddenly, Theon Greyjoy felt like crying. "I'm his ward and his hostage" he said to himself, and Maester Luwin didn't seem to hear him.<p>

* * *

><p>The idea for this one came from an anecdote Theon remembers in ADwD. Thank for reading! Reviews are very much appreciated!<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

"_Hold onto nothing  
>As fast as you can<br>Well, still, pretty good year"_

_(_Tori Amos_, Pretty good year)_

Since he got to Winterfell, for Theon Greyjoy there had never been a nameday that didn't throw him in the darkest despair. The first year, he had spent the whole day crying, and no present could console him, mostly because no present came from Pyke. The second and the third year, still mindful and embarrassed by how the first one had gone, he had mustered up his strength and managed keeping control, with the side effect that his nerves were on edge for a few days before and after. The fourth and the fifth ones had lost consistency in his memories, but Theon could swear he came to blows with someone both times.  
>The sixth one, on the contrary, he remembered very well: lord Eddard forgot it and so did lady Catelyn – though he suspected she deliberately decided to - so Theon had considered it opportune not to remind him, despite Robb's dismayed protests, who tried in every way to convince him to remind his father and to cheer him up all day long. Theon hoped until the very end of the day that lord Eddard remembered, but it didn't happen, so that night he went to sleep with a stomach knot, and with the extremely eloquent glance Jon gave him as he got out from the hall still burning in his retina. When, the next morning, lord Stark drew him aside and heartily apologized for his oversight, Theon was sure Robb remembered him. He was happy lord Stark was sorry about it, and in addition a few days later he received a beautiful fur cloak and a dagger as a present, but the bitter taste lingered in his mouth all the same, and if he though about it he still felt it a year later. That one had possibly been the worst nameday of all.<p>

This was what Theon had in his mind when he woke up the morning of his seventh nameday in Winterfell, that is to say of his seventeenth nameday. The first thing he felt was fear: of finding out that Lord Eddard forgot it this year as well. Right after that, a rush of pride made him angry with himself for such a foolishness. _Why should I care if he remembers or not? As if it changed anything!_  
>He got ready almost with rage and he went down in the hall with all confidence he had.<br>"Happy nameday!" Robb's shrill voice greeted him, followed by his wide smile, from the seat at the bottom of the table.  
>"Happy nameday, Theon" said Jon, much less enthusiastic, seated next to Robb.<br>Ser Rodrick, some guards, Vayon Poole and someone else joined the wishes. Hodor said a "hodor!" that most probably meant "happy nameday". Lord and lady Stark weren't there.  
>Theon thanked everyone and sat down in front of Jon. "I asked to prepare a cake for you" said Robb, with evident satisfaction. "If you only waited a bit longer to show up you'd have found it already here on the table".<br>"Thanks, Robb" Theon answered, impressed. In that moment Arya, Sansa and Jeyne entered with septa Mordane. They all wished him a happy nameday, some more affectionately, some less, and Theon thanked them. Soon, Gage brought the cake Robb asked for, which was served with the breakfast.  
>"With this piece of art it will surely be a happy nameday, boy!" the cook said with a great smile before leaving.<br>At last Bran and Rickon entered the hall with old Nan, and Theon barely noticed their greetings: he was listening to the conversation between Ser Rodrick and Poole, from which he learnt that lord and lady Stark were visiting some vassal lord, with Jory and a little escort. It wasn't a good piece of news.  
>"When will they be back?" Theon asked.<br>"Within the night" Ser Rodrick replied, probably without catching Theon's concern. Robb and Jon instead caught it right away, Theon understood this from their looks, but both of them had the good sense not to make comments of any kind.

The morning passed by studying with Maester Luwin, the evening practicing sword fighting with Robb and Jon, under the guidance of Ser Rodrick.  
>"I let you win because it's your nameday" Jon said when Theon disarmed him in duel for the third time, and Theon's nerves got very close to yielding even that year.<br>"That was not a wise move, Snow, your enemies won't do the same for you in a battle, nor will Greyjoy!" Ser Rodrick laughed. _You can bet on it, Snow_, Theon thought as he was untying the leather protections.  
>At supper time, Theon's mood was darker than ever. He sat at his usual spot and he didn't even want to eat, although Gage had prepared all his favorite dishes. Robb kept on talking ceaselessly to distract him, and Theon appreciated his kindness, but listening to him was a true effort. He stayed at the table just as long as it was enough not to be rude, than he took leave and went for his quarters.<br>He was furious. _I had to foresee this_, he thought. _In the end I am no one to them_. He felt terribly stupid and childish, and this was nothing but wood for the fire of his anger. He hated feeling that way. No one had the right to make him feel that way. He might've been no more than a hostage in Winterfell but in Pyke he was still a prince._  
>A pity this is Winterfell, and the gods know how many more years I will have to spend here being no one. Maybe my entire life, or maybe they will kill me before I...<em>  
>"Theon!"<br>A voice broke his thoughts. Lord Stark was walking towards him.  
>"Already going to sleep?" he asked.<br>"I'm tired, my lord" Theon lied. _Please, remember..._ he found himself thinking, and he hated himself with all his strength for it.  
>"I hope not too tired: I need you to come with me for a few minutes" the lord answered, and then headed to the yard. Theon followed him in silence. He wanted to scream out of anger.<br>Lord Stark's horse was temporarily tied to a stockade. Eddard unleashed something Theon couldn't see from the straps that secured it to the saddle of the animal. He handled it to Theon. The boy gaped. It was a bow of excellent make.  
>"I had the chance to notice you're becoming a very fine archer." lord Eddard said. "Ser Rodrick swears that if you keep on like this in a few years you'll be the best archer in the whole North. With this weapon you'll fulfil your talent. Make good use of it, Theon, it's the best bow you could find".<br>Theon took the bow, incredulously, and observed it without knowing what to say.  
>"Oh, I almost forgot: happy nameday, boy" lord Eddard concluded with a smile.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

"_I am a sick man… I am a spiteful man. I am an unpleasant man. I think my liver is diseased."_

_(_F. Dostoevskij_)_

"It's a bad idea" Robb repeated for the umpteenth time. "What if someone..."  
>"I did it a hundred times! Won't you trust me?" Theon retorted.<br>"That would be even a worse idea" Jon commented.  
>"You shut up. Let's go" Theon cut short, setting off. The two brothers hesitated for a while, then followed him in silence. <em>I knew it<em>, Theon told himself, and he couldn't help but grin with satisfaction. It was like he said: they didn't meet any obstacle. Of course, no one was willing to roam through Winterfell so late at night and with such a cold. As for the guards, Theon knew perfectly where they were and how to elude them. He walked onward relaxed, almost absently for he knew the way so well, while Robb and Jon followed him so cautiously they looked like rangers exploring a hostile camp. No one spoke for the whole trip.  
>"Now relax" Theon mocked them when they were in front of the door, "or it won't get hard".<br>None of them laughed, which amused Theon even more. He was about to knock, his fist already raised close to the door, when Jon said: "Wait!". Theon stopped and gave him a sidelong glance. "What, you forgot it at home?" he said.  
>"Let's go back" Jon told Robb, perfectly ignoring Theon. Robb opened his mouth and closed it, uncomfortable.<br>"Ah, don't be a dick, Snow. If you want to go back to your bed do it, but leave him be!" Theon intervened.  
>"Robb, listen to me" Jon went on, staring at his brother. Robb looked from Jon to Theon, in need of help. "Come on, Jon..." he said then, without looking at any of them and scratching his nape, an uneasy smile emerging on his lips. Jon's face was dark with rage. Theon would have enjoyed the nice scene a little more, but he feared Jon's ascendancy over his brother would have ended up convincing him, so he decided to take the matter into his hands. First of all he knocked on the door, loud and clear. Jon's eyes widened with disbelief. "You son of..."<br>"Fuck off, Snow" said Theon, sneeringly, "no one forced you to come with us".  
>It was true, no one forced him, and Jon would have been glad not to go, but he wouldn't leave Robb alone with Theon in that stupid deed not even if they chained him to the bed, Theon could read it in his angered eyes.<br>Probably Jon would have answered in kind or, judging by his face, more simply he would have punched Theon and hoped to overcome him, but in that very moment the door opened and their attention – even Jon's, despite himself – was captured by a beautiful young woman, dressed in almost nothing, who leaned on the door post with a feline smile. "So you were talking seriously..." she said to Theon, examining the two boys with a gaze that made them blush. "Good gods it's cold out here" she added. "Come inside, sweet kids".  
>No one disobeyed.<p>

On the way back, Robb was much more talkative, while Jon walked behind, by himself, without uttering a word. When they were inside the castle again, Robb had to blow over and Theon took advantage of his silence to approach Jon.  
>"Well?" he asked in a low voice, with his usual evil grin.<br>"Fuck off" was all he received as an answer. He chuckled.  
>"You didn't get it done, did you?". Jon kept silent. Theon couldn't say if he was more embarrassed or angry. Both things were incredibly funny to him. "You are so tender, Snow" he mocked him, messing up his hair with fatherly manner.<br>"Fuck off!" Jon repeated, this time loudly, drawing his arm away violently.  
>"Shut up you idiots!" Robb hissed.<br>"Jon?"  
>Lady Catelyn's voice reached them from around the corner at the bottom of the corridor.<br>"Shit" Jon cursed between his teeth. Theon giggled, gaining the grimmer glance of all history from Jon. Robb covered his eyes with his hands. "Oh, this is perfect" he said, gloomily.  
>The lady came toward them with an astonished look. She was holding a smoking cup. Presumably, she came from Maester Luwin's rooms. "What on earth are you doing around the castle at this late hour, may I ask?" she asked. Then she noticed their cloaks and gloves. Her face got more threatening. "Where have you been?"<br>Robb and Jon were deadly pale. Theon was so cold blooded as to improvise an answer. "On the tower, my lady, doing some astronomical observations. Maester Luwin is making us study the..."  
>"Yes, I see, Theon." lady Catelyn interrupted him, with a meaningful glance. <em>She does see<em>, Theon thought. "I guess you all are fond of astronomy. In any case, this doesn't confer you the liberty to cackle at night inside the castle, least of all to curse". She looked at Jon, who bowed his head and apologized in the most respectful contrite tone. Theon, did the same, just to be safe, but he couldn't be less sorry. Robb was paralyzed by discomfort, but his mother didn't even seem to see him. "Have some respect, in the name of the gods. I hope you now want to go back to your beds. Goodnight" she said sharply, and surpassed them without waiting for an answer. They stood there in the middle of the corridor. "She understood everything" said Robb, in a desolate voice.  
>"You shouldn't trust Theon, I told you" said Jon, more sullen than ever.<br>"You were right, it was a bad idea" Theon giggled, but he was absolutely sure of the contrary.


	5. Chapter 5

"_He went like one that hath been stunned  
>and is of sense forlorn<br>a sadder and a wiser man  
>he rose the morrow morn."<em>

(S. T. Coleridge)

Theon Greyjoy had a strange way of showing his sadness, or so Jon Snow had told him when he saw him smiling up his sleeve the time Theon had first heard of Jon's imminent departure.  
>"You could at least be decent enough not to look happy" he had told him, with his usual sullen inscrutability.<br>"But I'm not happy at all, on the contrary, I'm very sad" Theon had replied, in a way that was everything but sad. This was where Jon's consideration about his way of showing his sadness came from, to which Theon grinned even more openly, while Robb looked at them, vexed.

That night an enormous and milky moon rose above Winterfell. The whole castle was flooded by a pale enchated light, which made it even more beautiful and austere. Theon was crossing the yard, heading towards his rooms, when he noticed a figure crouched on a woodpile in a corner.  
>He got closer, starting to get curious. "Theon" a crestfallen voice greeted him.<br>"Snow? What are you doing up there?"  
>"Nothing, I was..." the words died in his throat. Theon met his eyes, and they shone a little too intensely in the moonlight. He felt as if a lightning struck him: Jon was crying. Through all those years, he had never seen him cry. As a child, he never shed a single tear, not even when he got hurt or received a scolding, a feature that Theon had always found fastidiously creepy about him. And now he was silently crying, seated in that improbable spot. "Do you want me to leave you alone?" Theon asked. Jon didn't answer, he just stared at the moon. Theon was about to go away, then without a reason he changed his mind. He climbed on the woodpile and sat next to Jon, looking at the sky in his turn.<br>"If the moon warmed as much as it illuminates, this one would be a nice warm night." he said, almost amused by the extravagance of his own observation. "Instead the moon is cold, so down here it's fucking cold too". Jon still kept silent. Theon went on. "There was only one time in my whole life when I saw such a beautiful moon. I was seven, maybe eight. My brother Maron locked me out on the balcony for fun. He left me there all night long. The next morning they found me half frozen. He was so lovely, my brother" he chuckled. "It was one of the most awful nights in my life. But that wonderful moon, I will never forget it, that's certain".  
>He shut up. He didn't know why he was telling that to Jon. He turned and looked at him. His big dark eyes where the mirror of the sky, complete with the moon shining inside them. He realized, with great bewilderment, he was going to miss those eyes. He put a hand on Jon's shoulder, and Jon turned towards him almost warily.<br>"I know well how it feels to leave your home, Jon. I know every fear you feel right now. I know that sense of dismay, and how strange it feels to start everything anew in another place."  
>Jon nodded, lowering his eyes. "Maybe, the only thing I don't know is what it's like to miss a brother" Theon concluded with a lower voice, letting go of Jon's shoulder.<br>"Will you stay close to them for me too?" Jon asked.  
>Theon smiled, but he didn't look at Jon. "I promise".<br>"If you let anything or anyone hurt them, I will come down from the Wall and chase you to the other side of the world to cut off your head. _I promise_." Jon smiled, it was one of his strange, grim smiles. Theon laughed, sincerely amused.  
>"I know you will" he replied. "You know, maybe I'm the one who should go to the Wall, Snow".<br>While he said so, Theon felt a surprising sense of turmoil.  
>"No, you're not. Your place is by Robb's side. Mine never was". There was such bitterness in Jon's voice Theon's heart ached. "Stand by his side, Greyjoy".<br>Theon didn't answer, there was no need to.  
>They remained this way, seated shoulder to shoulder, watching the immense sky, the yard in which they had fought for fun or for training countless times, the castle they both loved the same way, while night grew darker and darker. All at once, Jon sighed, awakening Theon from that absorted contemplation. "I should've been a Stark" Jon said in a whisper. "It's the one thing I ever wanted, the only one".<em><br>Me too_, Theon thought. He didn't say it.  
>For a moment, listening to Jon's trembling breath, Theon feared he was going to start crying again. He stood up instead and nimbly left the place of that odd conversation. "Maybe it's time we go to sleep" he said.<br>"You go, I'll stay here a little longer... this moon is just too beautiful" Theon replied. Jon stared at him as if he wanted to read inside of him, for a time that seemed too long for Theon, then without saying anything else he left, leaving him alone.  
>Theon couldn't say how long he remained up there. The castle became perfectly silent, the night even colder. His thoughts became more and more tangled, and when he finally went to sleep he doubted he could untangle them ever again.<p>

The next day, Jon wasn't there for supper. "Robb, where's Snow?" Theon asked his friend. He knew the answer before hearing it, he read it in Robb's dull eyes.  
>"He left this evening."<br>"He didn't even say goodbye to me!"  
>"Why, are you sorry about that?"<br>"Sure I am... I couldn't humiliate him one last time at our archery matches" he said giggling, and Robb shook his head, resigned._  
>Damn you, you're right, Snow<em>, Theon thought. He _did_ have a strange way of showing his sadness.


	6. Chapter 6

"_One's cruelty is one's power, and when one parts with one's cruelty, one parts with one's power."_

(W. Congreve)

"I brought your supper, m'lord" Osha said with a brief bow, entering Theon Greyjoy's bedroom.  
>That illness was wearing him out. In the first few days he managed at least to show up for meals, but now he was confined to stay in bed like Bran, shivering under a mountain of blankets. It must've been one of those filthy whores from the brothel that infected him. He heard a couple of them sneezing the last time he was there. Theon couldn't bear neither inactivity nor weakness. They made him feel vulnerable, which made him extremely irritable.<br>"Fucking broth again?" he commented seeing the tray Osha put on his legs.  
>"Maester says you must eat this, m'lord, I bring here what he says." she replied. "How do you feel today, m'lord?"<br>"Awful. I'm wasted. And Luwin's going to kill me by overdose of broth. Keep me company while I'm eating, will you? In my pitiful state I couldn't cause you any harm even if I wanted to".  
>Without any enthusiasm, Osha pulled a chair next to the bed. "If it pleases m'lord" she said sitting down and looking at him as he brought the first spoonful of food to his mouth.<br>"I see you're learning good manners".  
>"Maester says I have a good mind, so he says. Says I could learn a lot of things. I said, I could also teach a lot of things, most of all to the little Greyjon prince".<br>"It's Greyjoy! And watch your mouth, I won't stay in this bed forever!" Theon got angry, pointing the spoon right at her face. Then he coughed from the effort. She laughed heartily.  
>"I'm a woman of the free folk, you'd better find something scarier than a spoon to threaten me with... <em>my lord<em>" she said.  
>"Alright, I changed my mind, you can go, I'll eat alone".<br>Osha laughed again. Theon felt a sudden urge to throw the spoon at her.  
>"Here's something I could teach you, m'lord. When you can't win, you should just submit. That's what I did and I'm here now, otherwise I'd be in the wolf's wood with crows eating my eyes".<br>"There's really no need for you to teach me that" Theon whispered between his teeth. Osha rose her eyebrow.  
>"Have you ever been taken prisoner?" she asked.<br>"Once, ten years ago. I still am one." he replied before he could regret it. She looked puzzled.  
>"You don't look like a prisoner, m'lord. I'm the only one bearing chains in here" she said sarcastically, shaking her foot to make the metal clink.<br>"Not all chains are made of iron, my dear wildling woman". _And some of them are much harder to break._  
>"If you are his prisoner, why are you also a friend of Lord Robb? Why do you eat with him, ride with him, why does he come here everyday to see if you are better?"<br>Theon had no answer to that. He felt overwhelmed with bitterness, just like every time that topic came up. Yet, for some strange reason, he wanted to keep on talking with Osha. "It's something you can't understand" he finally said.  
>"I don't think you are a prisoner here. Maybe you were, ten years ago, but now you're not".<br>"Oh yes? Do you believe I could leave whenever I wanted?"  
>"I believe you do not want to leave. This makes things pretty easy." Osha smiled. Theon was struck by her words. He would have loved to believe things were so easy, but they weren't. They weren't easy at all.<br>"I still am and always will be an ironborn, an enemy to the Starks, a Greyjoy and the heir to the Islands. I will never be one of them, no more than you will".  
>"Ironborn, wildling woman... these are mere words. Where I come from, there is a wise man who used to say that the great man's land is the entire world. The place where you were born does not define what you are, my lord Greyjoy heir to the Islands. Not even who you were born from does. <em>You<em> define what you are, always."  
><em>Not even who you where born of.<em> Theon immediately thought of Jon. _Jon, who will spend the rest of his days away from the ones he loves._ "You're wrong, Osha. These are the very things that define what you are".  
>He had stopped eating for a while, without even noticing. He took the spoon and finished off the broth which was almost cold by then. Osha didn't reply. "The day will come when I'll have to choose between the Starks and my own family. It will come and I'll have to face it. Sometimes, I wish to be dead before it comes." Theon said, and maybe it was the truest and sincerest thing he had ever said to anyone.<br>"The gods gave you a strange fate, my lord" Osha said, standing up and picking up the tray. "But you will find a way. We all do. Maybe it will lead you to sorrow, maybe to joy, but you will find it".  
>"Oh, this is very comforting" Theon commented tartly. Osha smiled at him, her face softened.<br>"It is, my lord. I hope you'll be better soon. If you need anything, call me" she replied, and then she got out of the room, leaving Theon alone wondering what the hell his way was, and where it would lead him.


	7. Chapter 7

"_Where is the edge  
>Of your darkest emotions?"<em>

(Within Temptation, _Where is the edge_)

"Let me lead the attack, Robb" Theon was saying to his king as they crossed the camp, when lord Karstark sprang up before him. The young king and his friend looked at him with an interrogative face. "Let him lead the attack and I won't take the field, your majesty" Karstark said with a voice that was loud enough to make many of the lords and soldiers who where there turn to look.  
>"Deciding who is more appropriate to command my army is not up to you, lord Rickard. Your duty is to fight for the North, whoever may lead the men into battle" Robb replied coldly. The lord didn't answer or move, he didn't even seem to be impressed at all. Some people got closer with circumspection, getting curious.<br>"The Greyjoys are an infamous breed of wicked traitors whose brains are soaked with sea water. How long do you think it will take before this one here betrays you as well?"  
>Theon didn't say a single world. As soon as lord Karstark finished talking, Theon drew his dagger and went for the older man before anyone could lift a finger to stop him. Panic raged: a group of men rushed between them just in time, and a few soldiers grabbed Theon, immobilising him.<br>"ENOUGH!" Robb shouted through the chaos. His eyes now burned with fury. Theon was released, but monitored closely by the shocked knights who had stopped him. He was shaking with rage, but the King in the North wasn't less furious. "None of my allies will draw weapons against one another! Greyjoy, give your apologies to lord Karstark" he said, holding back from shouting again.  
>"He insulted my family, my king. He called me a traitor". Theon replied, with all the self-control he was able to gain, his eyes fastened on Karstark.<br>"You shall obey my command before I declare you a traitor myself for trying to slain one of my vassal lords, Greyjoy." Robb's voice was deadly grim. For a long moment, Theon and the king stared at each other. Some people put hand to the hilt of their swords, sure they would have to intervene in the king's defense. The silence was tense like moments before a battle starts. Then Theon turned towards lord Karstark.  
>"Please accept my apologies for my thoughtless behavior, my lord".<br>"I only accept them because my king commands me, ironborn" Karstark answered, anything but satisfied, and bowed in front of Robb before turning to leave.  
>"Wait, my lord" he said. "It is advisable for you to apologize for you ignominious words as well."<br>The lord's eyes widened and a flash of rage crossed his face. "Your majesty, I beg your pardon for talking in such a..."  
>"It is advisable for you to give your apologies to Greyjoy, not to me". Some of the knights who were there muttered under their noses. Lord Rickard visibly fought to swallow his humiliation. His face was red as he idly nodded towards Theon. "I'm sorry I offended you with my sincere words, young Greyjoy".<br>"I bet you are, my lord" Theon answered with the best of his well-known insolent smiles, but his face was still wan with rage. Robb looked scathingly at him.  
>"I wish I'll never have to witness such miserable scenes again. I could find myself obliged to end them in a different way". With these words the king cleared his way through the little crowd with big furious steps, followed by Theon, leaving a swelling buzzing of comments behind his back.<p>

"Have you lost your mind?" he yelled at Theon's face as soon as they got into the royal tent.  
>"<em>What<em>?" he replied, incredulous. Robb was walking back and forth like a caged animal.  
>"You let him fool you like an idiot! Don't you see that it was just what lord Rickard was waiting for? He's not the only one to dislike your House and to be suspicious of your loyalty, Theon... do you want to hand them your head on a plate?"<br>"Only if you don't want it for yourself, my king".  
>"<em>Don't<em> challenge me, Theon." Robb whispered nearing to Theon. There were only a couple of inches between theis faces. He breathed slowly. "I'm telling you in the name of our friendship. Don't cross that line. Our friendship wouldn't save you if you did".  
>Theon took a step back. "You made me apologize to that asshole, you let him humiliate me in front of everybody. You threatened me to <em>declare me a traitor<em>. Is this what is left of our friendship, Robb?"  
>"And what the hell was I supposed to do? Consider yourself lucky, Theon! He had the right to claim much more for what you've done and what do you think I'd have to do if he did? Do you understand what you risked to put me through, you bloody idiot? Or do you want my army to crumble in a breath of wind?"<br>Theon let himself fall on a chair, snorting. "You're right, of course. I was wrong to assault him" he admitted darkly. "Sometimes I ask myself what has become of the Robb I knew. Maybe he died the night they put that crown on your head" he said.  
>Robb seemed to have received a slap. "Yes, he did" he said sadly. A silence dense of too many things to be broken fell between them.<br>"Will you let me lead this army of yours in the attack before I manage to completely make it crumble?" Theon asked cautiously, with a piercing glance. Robb sighed.  
>"No, Theon, you know I won't".<br>"You too are suspicious of my loyalty, my king?". His voice was sourer than he meant it to be.  
>"I trust your loyalty more than the anyone else's". Robb looked him in the eyes and Theon knew he was honest. For the moment, it was enough. "But I have to lead the attack myself. I have to be on the front line. And you know this as well".<br>"Yes, I forgot the way you Starks play. But if you lost you life, your army would crumble for sure, have you thought about that?"  
>"It means it will be your responsibility along with the other men of my Guard to avoid that I lose my life. Do you think you can do it, Greyjoy?" Robb smiled and for a moment, Theon glimpsed the kid again, the kid he not so long ago played war with, in the great halls and cold yards of Winterfell. Only, now war was no longer a game and that kid bore a heavy crow, a very heavy crown. He was overwhelmed with a rush of melancholy and fierce love for that kid, that love he felt for no one else in the world. He couldn't allow anyone to make him forget it. <em>I must stand by your side, always, at any cost.<em>  
>"I'll see what I can do, your majesty" he answered grinning and admiring his own gloved hands with feigned carelessness. "I'll see what I can do".<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

"_And I don't know if I can do it  
>Oh no, I've said too much<br>I haven't said enough"_

(REM, Losing my religion)

When the king's herald came to announce him he was summoned in the royal tent, Theon Greyjoy hardly repressed his disappointment. A summoning at that unusual hour could only mean another "extraordinary" war council wanted by this or that lord faggot Robb still had the bad habit of listening to: which meant, in its turn, a few hours of useless chatters about strategy and logistic, that is to say another sleepless night for Theon.  
>Because of this, he was a bit dumbfounded when he found the young king alone waiting for him in the tent.<br>"Your majesty" he said with a brief bow.  
>Theon still couldn't get used to the annoying idea he had to pay such deference to Robb.<br>Robb Stark, his best friend, maybe his only true friend, his brother in everything but blood, who gave him the first shy smile when he had arrived as a sad and scared child to Winterfell, with which he had spoken about women a thousand times, he had bet, laughed to tears and got through hell moments, with which and _for_ which he was now fighting and risking his life in that filthy war, from which he had never spent more than a day apart in the last ten years, now went by the name of King in the North. The night Robb was invested wit the royal title, Theon didn't hesitate to put a knee on the ground in front of him and pronounce the most sincere oath. But something went wrong right after. The next morning, meeting his friend he greeted him the way he always did, and lady Catelyn didn't lose the chance to notice it. "You will refer to your king in the convenient way, Greyjoy. Do you want to break your oath not even ten hours after you took it?" she said. _To your king_. Theon opened his mouth to reply but, for one of the few times in his life, he found no words. He looked for Robb's eyes, hoping he would come in his defense, sure he would. Instead, he found in them just the same reproach that dripped from his mother's voice. So he had to apologize and bow, burning with humiliation. Later, in private, Robb tried to explain to Theon why he was requested to do so, and he was sorry and much more tactful. Theon accepted everything without further issues and Robb believed he had recomposed the fracture, but Theon could never put out of his mind those blaming eyes, cold has winter.  
>Since that day, Theon never failed to bow with great deference before the King in the North, but every time he knew the king recognized the mockery in that gesture.<br>"Theon. I hope you'll excuse me for disturbing you now. I've got an important issue to discuss with you. Please sit."  
>Theon sat near to the hearth, in the meantime looking around to be sure they were actually alone in the tent. Such formality didn't suit their private conversations, thus alarmed Theon.<br>"No disturb, your majesty, I'm here to serve you" he replied along the lines.  
>"And a service is just what I need from you" said Robb, sitting down in front of him. He looked at him for long, gravely, before talking again. In that moment, Theon thought, he was nothing but the King in the North. No sign of his beloved friend. It was scary, in a way. "The North needs the alliance of lord Balon Greyjoy. I want you to go bring him our offer" he said.<br>Theon went pale, and once again in such a short time he was speechless, even breathless.  
>"You've got nothing to say?" Robb asked, studying him with a vaguely apprehensive look.<br>"I... haven't seen my father for ten years" was the only obviousness Theon could state.  
>"I know. I do understand it must be hard, but who else can I send if not you?"<br>He couldn't send anyone else. It perfectly made sense. Theon should have foreseen it would happen, sooner or later. Maybe, in some dark corner of his mind he even knew, but he just didn't want to think about it.  
>He ran a hand through his hair, wishing he could untangle his convulse thoughts the same way. He tried to recall his father's face, his eyes, his voice. He was surprised to discover he couldn't, and he realized with dismay he haven't thought of his father since unmemorable time. Sure it occurred to him to think very often and in many ways about Balon Greyjoy lord of the Iron Islands, but about Balon Greyjoy <em>his<em> _father_...  
>Eddard Stark's face, that one he remembered very well.<br>But he also remembered Pyke's siege.  
>He felt a raging nausea all at once. <em>How can you do this to me, Robb? How can you be so blind?<br>_He forced himself to say something. "You're right. I'll go to Pyke". But his voice sounded horribly unsure. Roob looked upset.  
>"Theon... I thought you'd be happy. Lord Balon is your father."<br>"And I'm his heir" Theon dared say, in a whisper. Robb stared at him, wide-eyed. For a moment, Theon desperately hoped the King in the North would understand what he had to.  
>"I trust you" Robb finally said. His eyes had hardened, as if he was imperatively refusing some inner objection. "I trust you blindly".<br>"I would die for you, Robb" Theon finally said, and that phrase sounded strangely imploring. _This is all wrong. _  
>Theon stood up. The sorrow he felt had no name. He wanted to leave right away. He had to fight not to run away from the sight of his king, of his best friend. "When do you want me to leave, my lord?"<br>"As soon as possible. Tomorrow in the council I'll illustrate you the details and the conditions to offer your lord father."  
>"I can leave tomorrow night then".<br>"It would be perfect. We have no time to lose".  
>They remained in silence for a while. <em>What do we have to lose, Robb?<em>  
>"You can go, if you want" Robb said, with a vein of sadness.<br>"With your leave" Theon replied bowing and heading to the exit faster than he wanted to.  
>"Theon" Robb called him back when he was already on the threshold. Theon turned to look. "You... didn't tell me. Do you <em>want<em> to go to Pyke?"  
>The king almost seemed to fear the answer. Theon bit his lip and swallowed his breath. "I wish I knew the answer to this question, my lord". And he really did wish. "I guess I'll bring it to you when I come back, together with my father's one".<br>He tried to smile, which cost him an unspeakable pain. Robb nodded, and smiled back.  
>Theon felt something irretrievably breaking inside of him. He got out still smiling, and tears blurred his eyes as he smiled, because he knew, he <em>knew<em> that was the beginning of the end of all.


	9. Chapter 9

_"__Be careful what you__ wish for, it might come true."_

_Theon Greyjoy, prince of Winterfell._  
>Theon kept on repeating these words in his mind, trying make them sound grand as he wanted, while he walked with heavy steps through the walkway on Winterfell's walls. That day not even the wind was brave enough to make its voice be heard in that desolate castle. Theon's steps were the only sound, and they seemed to reverberate in the whole dark sky above his head. After all those years, the northern silence still made his flesh creep when he was alone. And in that moment he was more alone than he had ever been.<br>Once, he had tried to tell Robb. "There's too much silence here. I don't like it". He was twelve, more or less, and Robb was seven or eight. "Why?" the kid had asked. Theon loved seeing him hang on his every word. It made him feel _regarded_. Eddard Stark was nice to him, but there was never interest for him in his eyes, nor love. Catelyn Stark, she always eyed him up and down, and Jon Snow steered clear of him as much as possible. Robb, instead, simply started to love him since the day they first met, like only a child could do. So Theon found an answer meant for effect for the kid who was looking at him with curiosity. "In Pyke, there's never silence. In Pyke there's always the sea's breath. The sea is like a big sleeping animal that breathes... it always breathes. Here there's no breath, and an animal that doesn't breathe is a dead one". Robb's mouth literally dropped open. Since that day he had started asking him about the sea very often. Back then, Theon still remembered Pyke and the Islands pretty well. In time, his memories went more and more hazy and dreamy, thus his accounts became more unlikely.  
><em>Maybe that's why Pyke seemed so bleak when I came back<em>, Theon thought bitterly. Winterfell, with its melancholic solemnity, was undeniably more beautiful.  
><em>Theon Greyjoy, prince of Winterfell.<em>  
>He looked at the woods lost in the mist south-east.<br>Robb's thought tormented him more than anything else. More than those two children slain. More than his father's contempt. Robb saying goodbye to him at his departure. "I count on you" he had told him, and in those few dry words there was more than he could've told him in hours.  
><em>Robb Stark, prince of Winterfell. Robb Stark, King in the North.<em>  
>His trust betrayed. His oath broken. <em>How could I get to this?<em>  
>Maybe one day they would meet again. He would be dragged before Robb as a prisoner and the King in the North would rip his head from his neck for betrayal. "I didn't really kill your brothers" would be his last words. He wouldn't ask for forgiveness. Maybe that day would come soon.<br>_How could I?_  
>"I am the prince of Winterfell" he said to the landscape that was slowly emerging in the feeble light of dawn.<br>The northern silence was the only one to answer him.


	10. Chapter 10

"_He who makes a beast of himself, gets rid of the pain of being a man."_

(S. Johnson)

He knew Robb was dead from lord Ramsay. "The Young Wolf was butchered by the Freys, my dear Reek, you know that? They tore his pretty head off and in place of it they stuck his damned wolf's one... now they can righteously call him Young Wolf!".  
>He told him just this way, the Bastard, on an ordinary night, and he had a good laugh about it. It was raining as if the world was going to end. "Are you sad, Reek? You going to cry for your little friend? No, you won't cry, will you, because you don't even know who this Young Wolf was... you're my dear old Reek!"<p>

He didn't cry. The days when he still could cry had gone long since. But that night, in the putrid darkness of his cell, he sat with his knees by his chest and thought. He thought back to his whole life, listening to the sound of the rain echoing throughout Dreadfort. For one night, just one deadly dangerous night, he was Theon Greyjoy again. He was the shy little kid, always subdued by his elder brothers, somewhere far away on a stony island. He was the child who cried in a corner hearing the battle raging down below from the window of the tower. He was the child looking with dismay at the snowy walls of a great castle, tightening the cloak around his body against that hostile cold. He was the kid playing in the yards with Robb, and the one that with Robb caught the scoldings after some mischief. He was the boy who brawled with Jon, the one who blushed with pride to the rare compliments of lord Eddard. He was the boy who learned archery, getting more and more aware of his own talent, and the one who strutted about his love affairs with anyone who'd listen. He was the most trusted friend to the young and disorientated lord of Winterfell, and the one of the proud King in the North. He was the warrior always by the Young Wolf's side in the dust of the battlefields, the one who risked his own life to defend his. And he was the one who embraced him in a misty evening, leaving with the promise of bringing back a fleet for him. And then...  
>Thinking of what came next made him grind his broken teeth in pain. He fought to repel the images that crowded in his mind. A golden necklace contorting on a brazier. Two howling direwolves. Two terrified children with swords on their necks. His horse burning alive.<br>_It's all my fault. Robb died because of me._  
>He cuddled up on the floor, shaking, scratching the rotten soil with the nails of the fingers he was left, unable to catch his breath. He saw it right before his eyes, that <em>pretty head<em>. He could see Robb's eyes as if they were looking at him emerging from the darkness. Only, now they were blank and misted and covered with flies._  
>They tore his pretty head off and in place of it they stuck his damned wolf's one...<em>  
>Retches contracted his empty stomach. "Robb" he whispered to no one, in dismay. Absurdly, cruelly the prayer to the Drowned God flashed through his mind.<em><br>What is dead may never die, but rise again, harder and stronger._  
>"Robb..."<br>He didn't shed a single tear, but he felt with plain clearness that he exhaled even his spirit or what was left of it in the frantic breaths that choked in his throat. He fell asleep little before dawn, with that name still held tight between his teeth and nothing more inside.

When he got back to his work next morning, he was himself again. He didn't even think about that name any longer. He forgot it, and with it also the one that used to be his own.  
>Theon Greyjoy had died, forever.<p>

_What is dead..._


	11. Chapter 11

"_Remember me  
><em>_remember me  
><em>_but, ah, forget my fate..."_

_(_H. Purcell_, When I am laid in earth_)

Maybe the snow could wait, in the end. Theon smiled in his very own way while Robb was looking for his gloves. The others were already gone, but Robb couldn't find his damned gloves, and he surely could not do without them. The plushy leather gloves his father gave him for his tenth nameday. Robb loved to put his hands in them, he would never go out without them, may the others go all away. Theon instead waited for him, patiently, with no comments, while Robb turned his room upside down and now or then mumbled some apology for his carelessness.  
>"Come on, make haste!" Jon screamed from below. To underline the concept, a snowball smashed on the outside wall, an inch away from the window. Arya laughed out loud. Theon poked his head out. "My lord, you'd better start going, we'll catch up soon" he said. "Alright, we'll meet on the hills then" lord Eddard replied, and headed out of the yard, followed by his children.<br>They just couldn't seem to get found, those damned gloves.

They ran outside to catch up with the others. Theon grabbed Robb's arm and dragged him in another direction.  
>"Won't we go with them?" the child asked.<br>"I don't want to go with them" Theon replied, raising his nose to the sky proudly. "And they don't want me to go with them".  
>Robb looked at him, gravely.<br>They did not go with the others. They got on the top of the highest hill, where the white coat was still untouched. In silence they admired the enchant of the snow crystals sparkling under the sun like living creatures. From somewhere near came the voices and the laughters of the other children.  
>"This is my kingdom and I am the king!" Robb shouted, widening his arms. Theon smiled in that way of his.<br>Running, Robb stumbled and fell, tumbling down and sinking in the fresh snow. Theon, laughing hard, drew him out by an arm, and gently wiped his cloak, covered with tiny silvery flakes. Robb's face was red, but for the cold of course.  
>They built a snowman where the white valley was deeper. "We could name him.." Robb was saying, when Eddard called them from afar. They joined the group, running and trudging in the snow.<br>The snowman never had a name.

Centuries later, Theon was leaning on the stone ledge of the window of the same room where he waited for Robb that day. It was a singular fact that that part of the castle was still there. Theon could've wondered if it meant anything, but he didn't mind to. Not anymore.  
>The air was gray like his hair and the sky was blazing with icy snowflakes that scratched his scrawny face. Theon looked outside, careless of the ferocious wind that made his eyes weep.<br>The unnaturally high snow had almost flattened valleys and hills into one shiny rug, and it kept on falling down day and night. The edge of the wolf's wood was the only noticeable colored thing in the distance. The trail on which lord Eddard, his guards, his elder sons and Theon walked together coming back from a hunt was buried and lost, and so was the valley where the nameless snowman was built. _But I could still find them with my eyes shut.  
><em>The outline of the towers still standing was blunted by the white blanket. The castle - the ruins that were left of it, was literally submerged by the snow. The horrid scars left by the fire were hidden under all that white. It almost looked like the castle it once was. A merciful act by the gods.  
><em>With all this snow<em>, Theon thought, _we could play all day long. We could make snowmen, monsters and dragons, and give them funny names. We could roll down the hill, pretending to still be children.  
><em>He collected a handful of snowflakes from the windowsill. _"This is my kingdom and I'm the king!"  
><em>He felt them melting to the obstinate warmness of his hand. Robb would never see that snow.  
><em>It's better of this way.<em>

Maybe somewhere north, very far in the north, another young man was looking at the same snow, thinking of the very same past.  
>It kept on snowing, incessantly. Soon, it would bury them all.<p>

_Come, winter._

_..._

_..._

_..._

The end.

That's it. Theon wants winter to come and put an end to his wrecked life and to that wrecked world. This is the last fic of this collection, and I think it's pretty much conclusive.

The thing is inspired to Tori Amos's Winter, a magical song. "Come, winter" is also the title to a song by Goran Bregovich (_Aven ivenda_, in the original language). I have no idea what the song is about because I could not find any translation, but the atmosphere is absolutely it. Listen to that, it will break your heart!

I hope you enjoyed reading these little things as much as I enjoyed writing them. Since I happen to care a lot about this work, a review would be very much appreciated, even a tiny tiny one. Thank you all :)


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